Day 6: What a Strange Mood I Seem to Be In

I find myself in a pretty somber mood tonight. Nothing really wrong. Nothing really right. Miller left for gunnery yesterday and will be gone for a few weeks. It's highly unlikely that is what could be bothering me. I have been thinking about alot of things recently. Like love and life and all that goes with it. I love my life but I am not certin that it is what I was ment to be. My kids are the best and my husband is amazing. I just know that I am also ok when they aren't here. A little too ok, I think. I know that should something happen between Miller and me, I would never marry again. I know lots of people say this but I just don't see the point nor do I have the desire or need to share my life with others. (strange because I am writing a blog) What I mean is, I don't feel the need to love someone or be loved. I would be ok without it. I secretly yern to be without it. Maybe it is selfish or strange and I am probably on the verge of so phsyco breakdown but it really how I feel. Maybe that is the reason behind this spiritual quest I am on. Either someone is going to get hurt. I just know it. So I sit silently never daring to tell him how I feel. I do love him. Maybe not the way he deserves.

Day 2: Not a Way to Start the Day

It isn't even 7AM yet at it looks as if the day is going to be a waste. I realize that guilt by association just happens, but I also thought that the drama around it would end after highschool graduation. I just find myself put into a position where I am always defending myself and the actions of others. (even when I don't agree with their actions) I am not a mean person. I don't talk about others in a demeaning mannor. I don't judge or criticize or demand anything from anyone else. I am angry and emabrrassed at what has happened this morning and can blame no one but myself because of the company I keep. I don't keep this company because I want too. We work together. I enjoy talking and laughing with her but she is young and impatient. She is human and hasn't quiet learned the art of "if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say it at all". Inside I am screaming, "What the hell are you thinking!!!! You should not be teaching these kids!!!" On the outside I just smile and nod my head. I ,too, am part of the group of moms that tell myself that the kids came very late in the year and it will only be a few months before they are back into a real school. But I am also one of the only two that go there everyday so that I KONW what my kids are doing. UUUUGGGGGG!!!! I just want to go back to bed!!!!